12.22.2014

My Restless Heart

Hey there,

   I don't think I've posted a post other than letters in awhile, or maybe I have, I don't really remember at the moment to be perfectly honest.





   All this week, I've had this strange feeling of restlessness deep in my heart. It's not so much a panicked feeling, but more of an anxious feeling. Waiting. Trying to figure out what to do. I've had this desire to do something wild. Crazy even. Not anything bad, just something different. Something unusual. Like I said before, wild. 

 Ever since I was little, there's been a single type of life that I've been terrified of living. What type? A normal one. I've always had this problem with "normal." I don't want a 9-5 job, and a white picket fence, and a perfect husband, and my perfect children. I want wild, I want crazy, I want different. Does that mean I don't want a career or husband or children? Of course not. It just means that I don't want the stereotypical definition of that and all that that entails. 

 I have a really hard time getting into a routine in life, because my life has been uprooted so many times. It changes so often. Which is perfectly fine, because it's created a desire in me to see the world. To experience new places and different things. Besides the fear of living ordinary or "normal," I've also been scared of living inside of a sheltered bubble. One where I don't experience new things, new places, new people.

 I truly believe God placed this desire in me to not want to live a "normal" life. There's nothing wrong with having a more mainstream life. That's totally fine! Some people are made for that, some people's personal ministry is there; that's just not for me. I've never been one who wants to sit for a long time. I need to be somewhere, doing something. 

  What am I going to do about this feeling? Probably nothing. There really is nothing I can do about it right now, except to pray.

  The life I've always envisioned myself living probably isn't what it's going to turn out to be, but I fully believe that God's will for each and every person's life is much bigger than they could imagine it, so maybe the life I'm going to lead is going to be crazier than I thought. Maybe it'll terrify my mom more than the life I told her I'd like to live. But that's the thing about God, He doesn't always have a safe, normal plan for your life. Sometimes, most times, His plan is bigger and greater, and sometimes it's scary. But looking back at the scary things I've faced before, I've grown so much, and learned so much, and experienced so much more joy in doing the things that scare me, than anything I've done in my own little bubble of safety. 

  Maybe this is kind of rambly, but I needed it. So if you've gotten to this point, thanks for reading :)

                                              Have a wonderful, beautiful day!
                                                    Love,
                                                  Kelsey :)

  

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