11.09.2014

An Internal Struggle

Hey there,

  I was sitting in the car today, just thinking about life. I tend to do that a lot in the car when there's no conversation going on, or when I'm not apart of the conversation that IS going on. I just think, about life, God, family, and whatever else might be flowing through this brain of mine. 


    I've been pondering over something lately, something important. It's what I was thinking about in the car. It's that: maybe I'm not loving people in the way that God wants me to. 

    This thought has been gnawing at me for a few weeks now. I don't think I'm loving people in the way God intended. He said to love everyone, which I try to do. I do try. But I know I don't try my hardest, and I know I don't love people in the way that I should. I hold back for fear of looking stupid, or crossing lines I shouldn't be crossing. I truly believe God has hardwired me to listen to other people's problems, to be a shoulder to cry on. But I hold back from doing that. Because I don't feel like anyone will respond well to it. Or that I won't go about it in the right way. Or, like I said before, I'll cross some lines.

   But doesn't God want us to be brave? Doesn't he want us to take a leap of faith into the places where we're most scared of going? Because He'll bring us through it. He'll take care of us. But I think there's a connection mishap between my head and my heart. In my heart, I know that, and I want to take a leap of faith; love people in the way that I should. But then my head jumps in and says, "No don't. That's not safe. Stay where you're comfortable. Stay where it's safe, cozy, warm." Then my heart comes back with; "But if you're staying where you're safe, isn't that sacrificing all God has for you? Isn't that remaining in an unloving, un-challenging, un-stretching place? A place where you're well aware God never intended you to stay." 

  I don't think God ever intended any of us to stay comfortable. Because I've noticed that in the most uncomfortable, hard, struggle-filled places, are where He uses us the most, where we grow the most, and where we thrive the best. Because He's guiding us--we as sheep, He as shepherd--into a place where the grass is better, the company is better, and we're able to thrive into what He created us to be. 

 So through this internal struggle over the past few weeks, I know what I need to do, I know what He expects of me. I'm just choosing to be stubborn, pig-headed, and scared, instead of trusting in Him that He's always there taking care of me. I just need to remember that. We all  need to remember that. From now, until eternity.

                                               Love,
                                            Kelsey :)

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