8.03.2013

Too this, too that

    Too. Too this, too that. I've been told I'm "too" lots of things. Too nice. Too annoying. To quiet. Too unsocial. Too lazy. Too stubborn. Just too. 

    I live in a sort of neighborhood of houses. It's a little community across the street from an elementary school where many people live. There are probably at least, 50 houses in here. Probably more, but that's just a ballpark estimate. There's a playground, there's a half basketball court, there's an office, five fishing ponds, mailboxes, the works. Everything a typical "normal" neighborhood has. 

    Since moving here, lots of people have come and gone in my life. There were friends who continued on with their lives and forgot about me. No matter how many times I tried to reach out to them. I've had one or two close friends, but not many. I've never been good at making friends and it doesn't usually come easily to me. So, the ones I do get, I am grateful for. 

    Up until last year, I was happy living here. Happy going outside and to the park and just being with friends or big groups of kids and we'd just have fun. Then, I started realizing some things. I went to Florida last year with my grandparents for a month and realized quite a bit about myself. I realized, some of the people here have influenced my behavior and who I am. And not in good ways. I realized some toos about myself. I was too judgmental, too mean. Too horrible to the kids who weren't as "cool" as the ones I tried to fit in with. It hurt to realize it, but it's true. After realizing these things, I knew I needed to change. I needed to be better. When I came back everything changed dramatically. When I acted in this new, kinder way, not so many people liked me as much anymore. That's when the toos started. 

    "Kelsey, you're too nice!" That's the one I've heard the most. Too nice. The first time I heard it I was playing baseball in a field with a bunch of people. A little girl I know, about 8 or 9, came up and was playing with some rubber ball she had brought from her house. She was sitting quietly playing with it. I wasn't bothered by her so I didn't see why anyone else was. But some of the people I was with started saying she was getting in the way and that she needed to move elsewhere. She wasn't doing any harm. I didn't see the problem. She said she didn't want to and one of them stole her ball and threw it into the part of the field overgrown with hay. As she began to cry, I got angry. Angry at these people who were my friends. Suddenly, I didn't like them as much. I didn't like the way they treated her. What they said to her. I thought about all that I had ever seen people do to her and got angrier. I started hurting for this little girl who just wanted to fit in but didn't because, she's not thin like the other little girls and because, someone said she wasn't cool suddenly made her less cool. So, me being my new be nice self, I went into that field and searched for that ball. After about five minutes I found it. I walked back over and returned it to her with a smile. 

    "Really Kelsey?! You're too nice! Why would you do that?" Oh, I don't know maybe because she's a sweet little girl who doesn't deserve to be made fun of or have her feelings hurt because YOU don't like her. 

    I've been accused of things like that so many times. Told I'm too nice. The thing I realized though is, first off, it's not a bad accusation. I'd honestly rather be accused of being too nice than too mean. And secondly, I realized, the accusation is completely and totally true. I'm too nice. To them anyway. To the people who put down others and hurt others feelings I'm almost saintly. But to me, I'm just doing what I'd want someone to do for me if I'd been being treated like that. Why does she deserve that? Why does this sweet kid deserve to be made fun of or have her stuff taken from her? 

    I'm always nice. Well, not always. I have my off days. But I try to be. I try to be kind because it's what God calls us to do and it's just in my nature I guess. It's how I feel. I've been hurt like that. I was made fun of when I was younger. Even  now I am to a certain degree. 

    I want to know why it's in people's nature to be nasty to certain people and nice to others. Why do people find it pleasurable to hurt others? Does it really make them feel that much better about themselves? Really? Truly? 

    I can be told I'm too nice, too annoying, too ugly, too anything, and maybe it'll hurt, but I'll be fine. Because I know that no matter what anyone says to me at least I'm nice to others. At least I try not to hurt anyone's feelings. I'm not trying to boost myself up here or anything, I'm just saying, maybe if we were all a little nicer to each other, maybe if we were all a little "too nice," the world would be way, way better off.

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1 comment:

  1. you're to amazing is what you are :) (btw I totally miss your dear boy posts :(
    <3 anne

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